I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
