can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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