i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
