I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
so much tequila, so little girl.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
