Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
