I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
