2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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