My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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