I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
