I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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