question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.