I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.