woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis