do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
