What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
