OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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