I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
