HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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