Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize