If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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