dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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