she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
