My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
