i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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