she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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