I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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