I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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