but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
