I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
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There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.