how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default