I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Moan for me like Helen Keller
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
