new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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