The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the liver wants what the liver wants
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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