Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
