you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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