I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
