Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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