I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
