I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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