he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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