if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
