im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
