I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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