some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
