On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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