My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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