direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
