I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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