dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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