she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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