I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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