Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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