Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
