I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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