i already hear my dad disowning me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
