if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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