why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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