I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
