In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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